One, I'm a terrible blogger. Seriously, guys, I'm sorry for not keeping you updated.
Honestly, its been a busy last few months with emotional ups and downs. And I get stressed out whenever I have to write anything.
Two, I love traveling. I adore it. Airports are some of my favorite places and I've come to love even dirty hostels because it means I'm seeing places of the world.
Three, I am a horrible Christian. What do I mean by that? I am not perfect. I make more mistakes then I'd like to admit. I fall short of expectations. But whose expectations are those anyway? God's? Mine? The modern-day church's?
See God has been after my heart these last several months. As a student body, we were challenged by our principal to deal with our hurts and upsets and anger and sorrow and bitterness and sadness and talk to God. Just to speak with Him as you would a person, because He invented relationship and He desires for you to not clam up but speak up before Him. Because He knows that this earth is far from perfect. Because He knows that we deal with real shit down here. Because He knows that we're groaning and can't see but a glimpse of His kingdom. Because He created us. Because He wants to communicate with us.
So I did. I walked down to the lake trying my hardest to be good. To praise God for my loneliness and praise Him for my inadequacies and praise Him for my lack of godliness. But in that moment all that came out was hurt and anger. I was upset because I didn't truly believe that He would hear me. I didn't truly believe that He cared. I didn't truly believe that He was going to listen and actually do something about it. I felt like I was going to talk to a deaf ear up in Heaven.
He surprised me that day. As I swore like a sailor and aired my grievances before Him by the Bodensee He patiently listened. He did. He was sitting right there beside me. He let me curse and yell and cry and stamp my feet and didn't try to stop me. He didn't judge me. He heard me out. And when it was all over and I was trembling and weak from violently releasing everything, He held me. He still didn't say anything to me, but He held me. Because He knew that that was all I needed. Just His arms enfolding me.
I apologized to Him later. Said I was sorry for yelling and then thanked Him for listening. And praised Him for His goodness to me. And begged Him to change my heart so that I could actually believe that He loved me. Actually believe that He cared and wanted me. He didn't need me and He didn't want me to perform for Him. He just desired me and my heart. That was huge. All my life, I've been trying to perform for my God. Pray harder before exams so that I find favor with Him. Read my Bible when I want a positive answer in my prayers. But He's not a lucky charm that you can just rub and get what you want.
Within a week, I went to bed depressed and the next morning woke up a new person. My very heart was swelling and my face was breaking from the smile stretching across it. "Jesus LOVES me." Every fiber in the fabric of my makeup knew this good news and believed it!!! It's so simple yet so critical. Finally, my heart believed Him.
See, I think one of my greatest struggles has come from a point of view about our great God. I believe that He is holy and just and good. I believe that He is loving and righteous and unchanging. I believe that He is perfection.
However, I let that distort my view of Him. I believed that though He is loving, it's manifestation upon us held conditions. I believed that because He is just, I had to judge others and myself against standards that Christian society created. I believed that because He is perfection I had to work hard to try to be perfect for Him so that I would find favor with Him.
But He never asks us that. He asks for our love in return. He asks for our loyalty. Our lives. Our obedience. He never asks us to be perfect or try harder or be better. We can't work our way out of sin and death! Not even when we are saved. We obey Him and love Him and Jesus does the work through us. That's it. He does it. This has changed my entire approach to our incredible God. I no longer feel guilty about bringing my cares before Him when I didn't read my Bible that morning. It's also softened my heart towards others as His love for other people is starting to appear in my own heart.
Coming home has been hard. I miss 24/7 fellowship with people my own age. I made some lifelong friends at school and I miss them so much it hurts. I had fun with others and I miss them dragging me into adventures I never would have done on my own. I miss Europe. There's nothing like being able to hop on a train or a bus and go to another city or country for the day or the weekend.
But I am happy to be home with family. It's hard sometimes; for them too, I think. They lived without me for 6 months and got used to living with just 4 people. I've shaken things up. And I've barely left the house because there's not much around. I was able to meet the friends that mean so much to both of my siblings and that was awesome! They've found an excellent community here.
In this monotony, I've been looking into the future. And it hit me the other day that I've been turning my future into an idol. God, I want to date. God, I want a job. But God, I also want to go back to Europe, maybe England? Oh, and God can you figure out a way for me to stay near my family too?
And He isn't in the business of immediately gratifying every request. He asks for us to walk humbly with Him and I haven't been doing that lately. Fortunately for me, He is a patient God.
So while I seem to have very few options before me, it's actually quite the opposite. I have everything before me. I have Christ. And He is enough.
"I know who goes before me. I know who stands behind.
The God of angel armies is always by my side." -C. Tomlin
The God of angel armies is always by my side." -C. Tomlin
